Be careful what you pray for

The last few weeks, months maybe, I have been floundering around searching for answers. You've read my posts, you know I've been less than sane. Going off about everyone else, looking at everything that is wrong, forgetting what matters. It's no one's fault, there is no one that I can point a finger at and say "YOU did this to me" except, of course, me!
How ironic that I put myself through hell only to find, once more, that I am the only one that can make me feel better.
Dad was right, my faith in "God" was gone. Truth is, I tossed it aside for a man. (Common dilemma for me over the years) I did some reading about Buddism, got some education about Zen, read some books about enlightenment, and walked away from that reeling. IS there a God? Does it MATTER if there is a God? Maybe there is more than one God?! What does God do for me, anyway?? Where is GOD when I am taking pictures of a beaten and bloody child, or attend their autopsy? Where is GOD when I see the carnage that folks do to one another, when I turn on the evening news or go to a particularily gory crime scene? Where is GOD when that 19 year old decideds to swallow ALL the pills in the bottle instead of the recommended dose, or the 11 year old hangs himself!?

I can't concentrate completely on these questions, I would be completely insane within a short time if I did, but they do go through my mind. What I have to look at is my own life, that's all I have, right here, right now.
Where I come from if you hurt someone, God will "get you" (thank you, Grandma McCauley) so you better be nice. So the next time you stub your toe or something bad happens, it must be because you did something earlier to deserve it, and "God" is paying you back. Imagine a seven year old taking all this in, paying close attention, because, after all, the grown ups know EVERYTHING, and they wouldn't lie, would they?
Add to the mix later: a Dad that leaves, an alcholic raging mother, a pedophile uncle, and you have a great foundation for a life of therapy and 12 step programs. So this is what I have to work with...ME, and all my screwed up ideas about God, men, sex, love, security, etc. etc. etc....
who turned off the lights? It feels like I am wandering around in the dark a lot. (oh, wait, that's just me on the graveyard shift)

A few years ago I felt my faith was stronger than ever, I felt 'connected' to my Creator, my 'God'. Healing was happening, I took an active role in making my life better, richer, more meaningful. I saw beauty and wonder everywhere I looked it seemed. There was no question in my mind that there was a Higher Power and that was working quite well for me. That feeling of connection, when even the bad stuff might have some higher purpose that I am unaware of, and the acceptance of not really knowing!
That place is one that seems to be eluding me at the moment.
That feeling of knowing my place, knowing my role here is changing. I'm not the "new kid" anymore, and the transition to whatever is next seems to be where I am at.

I have to let go of that idea I was taught that God will "get me" if I do something wrong. I am the one that punishes myself, not God! I have to forgive my raging drunk Mother, and my absent Father. They did what they did, good or bad, and I can't blame them for me being screwed up anymore. And the pedophile uncle? He can still rot in hell as far as I'm concerned, I'm not THAT spiritually fit yet.

But that little girl that learned those lessons is now a grown up, and SHE wants to get on with it, SHE wants to feel good again, and be connected and happy and healthy instead of carrying around all the garbage that was handed to her when she was growing up.

So, the process of growing up continues. It's baffling, it's painful, it's hard, but I know from past experience that it's worth it. The time I spent FEELING connected and power-filled came after some hard work and pain, so my experience tells me what I need to do. In the sing song words of Dory...."just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming" AND - "I DON'T know that nothing bad will happen, sometimes you just have to just let go!"