14 is the loneliest number...

As much as I love my kids, 14 has to be the worst age for girls. They snarl, scream, struggle with self-image, gossip, gripe, give you headaches, manipulate, make excuses, moan and groan and cry and scream when they don't get their way. They want the whole world and don't understand WHY you won't give it to them, just because, by god, they WANT it! Isn't that reason enough??

It's that inbetween time of being a kid who needs Mom for everything and waiting to find your freedom with a new driver's license and a car. Learning that some girls are mean (and like it!) and competitive beyond what's healthy, high school is wretched punishment for perfectly content 8th graders that do well and pass their classes. I don't envy any of what she's going through.

Tempering my attitude and encouraging her to ignore the bitchy girls, educate her mind, check out the hot guys, and have some fun with it all is proving to be a challenge. I want so badly for her to do well, to feel confident and loved, to find her way with all of it. Kind of hard to get that message across when I want to wrap my hands around her little neck and squeeze most days.

Do I provoke this behavior in her? Probably yes. The mere fact that I am an adult and her Mother gives me two strikes before I even get up to bat. I also have the "power" to tell her no when she wants to do something and I strike out quite often. Learning how to not take this personal with her is the big challenge here. Different kids, different experiences, they tell me. I remember fighting with Sara, I don't remember taking everything so personal however.

I don't know how I am going to do this, being at a complete loss with how to handle her fits of anger at hearing the word no, her snarl when I ask her how her day was, and her grunting foot stomping when I ask her to help with something around the house. I feel completely alone in this and I don't like it. Her Dad is no help at all, he fell off the face of the earth about 4 years ago and only calls her 2 or 3 times a year. (he lives across town!)

I know that following through is key, that's what all the books say, Dr. Phil, all the "experts". What do they say for Mom, going it alone with a job that interferes with being there in the evening? Is it okay to call her dumb ass dad and yell at him and make him call her? Is it okay to say to her "NO I'm not okay!" when she is done throwing her fit and wonders why I am sitting there looking red eyed from crying? She has moved on to another plan of attack to try and get her way and I am still reeling from being told she hates me and screaming at the TOP of her lungs (enough to summon the police for fear she was being beaten if the neighbors were so inclined). Throw my menopause into the mix and it feels like an ooey gooey mess from hell.

I talk to my friends, I do things for myself, I pray to whatever power there is to help me through this. I wish sometimes I could call my Mom and talk to her about this, but the risk of her giving me advice is too great. I don't really want to hear what she has to say about parenting a teenager given our history. I want to call her dad and make him take her for a weekend, or a week or a month. Maybe then he would do something with her/for her. The surrogate dads she has in her life just aren't the same.

Can I just stay home? Crawl back under the blankets, sit at the sewing machine, bake cookies, take the dogs for a walk, anything but be a responsible adult, I'm tired! Send in the backup please, this sucks!