Gramas Rock, make no mistake. They are the ones that love us and think we can do no wrong, no matter what we do or don't do or what expectations people have or what goes right or wrong for us in our lives. I will miss you.

My Grandma Gladys--

Busy kitchen smells envelop the house. With the stomping of feet and shuffling of coats at the door. Never too many to fit in the small house that seemed large when I was small. Simple rules-no chasing the kitty, stay out of the bedrooms, no pounding the piano. (watch out for the dog, she will bite you!)

The smell of lavender and rose glycerin soaps while the well water freezes through the pipes to wash up for dinner. All are seated, grace, gratitude, blessings. Plentiful food and no one ever leaves hungry.

Sneaking to water the African Violets while no one is looking, the watering can seems to be bottomless and is never empty!

Adults talk, children play. Checkers, tic tac toe, hangman, crayons and stuffed animals, plunking on the piano. Chopsticks!

Hugs that swallow you whole and wet cheek kisses, roses floating in the bowls on the table. Photo albums!

Everyone here for a picture, take another, I closed my eyes!

Lunch-cookies and cake, small sandwiches that tide Grampa over while he works outside. Red mustache Punch!

Can we go down to the barn? Can I push the lawn mower around? Can I have another cookie? please

Tending the flowers, canning the fruits, baking the cookies, writing the letters to keep in touch, Nursing. Organizing the photos in the albums, sending birthday cards, visiting friends, caring for family, praying for us all. Devotions.

Tornadoes on your birthday! Yes, it was loud, was all you had to say. Get on with cleaning up the mess it made, don't dwell on the tragedy.

Your quiet insistance that I remain a part of this family with post cards in the mail, keeping me close to your heart, a birthday never forgotten. Reminding me that I am a part of you whether I was at my worst or my best. Your sparkling eyes and smile when you opened the door. Your delightful laugh!

Your determination and hard work- not a moment was wasted on self-pity or regret. Acceptance for all.

A life well lived and well remembered. A spirit that will be missed by many on this plane, and warmly welcomed on the next.

2009 Is it possible, really?
I got to watch the Inauguration ceremonies this week, WOW. (I don't even know if I spelled that right), but nonetheless, it was an amazing thing to witness. I watched Emily Troutman's video journal of the event and read some of the comments from people and I have to say, the energy was coming right through the television into my little living room in the mid-west, it gave me chills! I may have caught a glimpse or two of different Inauguration ceremonies over the years, but to be honest it never really interested me. Politics aren't "my bag", but the longer I'm around, the more it seems to be a concern not quite as far back in my mind. To quote some of Emily's signs for how I am feeling about our new President: Skeptical Hope.
Being in a bit more liberal part of the state now has me paying more attention to the "atmosphere" as well. I have, on occasion, even found myself wanting to go hug a tree! lol But seriously, I have been an advocate of Mother Earth for a while now, but one more layer has been wiped from my eyes. Granted, there is only so much I can do as one person, but being aware of the multitudes of people that are making changes to help our planet is astonishing. Once more, out of the bubble of my own little world!

My recent brush with politics (at work) has left me a little more cynical and a LOT more cautious. Was I really that naive?? Probably. The lawyer I consulted with had some words of wisdom for me, albeit too late..."You can't talk to them (management) like normal people. It's good to be honest and apologetic when you make a mistake, but you never tell them that. Focus on what you did to get them to help you and how THEY failed. Talk about what you are doing to make your work better". The first part of that goes against everything I have tried to learn the last 26 years, and I did my best to try and follow his advice. Alas, they just don't agree with me!

So, I am looking for a job, and if the "Universe" is willing I won't be for long. If you would have asked me a year ago if I thought things would have turned out this way, I may have said "no way, I'm doing okay at work"! So much for my crystal ball psychic powers! I could play the "what if" game all day long in my head, but that gets me right into the spin cycle waaay too quickly. So I guess my Skeptical Hope isn't just about the President, but about my circumstances as well. Who knows, maybe Obama will have some great new school program just in time for me to go finish up my degree instead of having to work! Whatever way it goes, I know it will be the right way. I haven't come this far to just give up now, and heaven knows I have not lacked in helping hands to get me through this. There really aren't any accidents, and being on the opposite end of the spectrum has been a great growing experience for me. Here's to Hope!

So I made it back to the blog site after some challenges this morning. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems! My friend asked me why I don't blog anymore and I don't have a lot of time, but I am going to try and get back to this occasionally.
We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor...
(that means I have to go to work)

14 is the loneliest number...

As much as I love my kids, 14 has to be the worst age for girls. They snarl, scream, struggle with self-image, gossip, gripe, give you headaches, manipulate, make excuses, moan and groan and cry and scream when they don't get their way. They want the whole world and don't understand WHY you won't give it to them, just because, by god, they WANT it! Isn't that reason enough??

It's that inbetween time of being a kid who needs Mom for everything and waiting to find your freedom with a new driver's license and a car. Learning that some girls are mean (and like it!) and competitive beyond what's healthy, high school is wretched punishment for perfectly content 8th graders that do well and pass their classes. I don't envy any of what she's going through.

Tempering my attitude and encouraging her to ignore the bitchy girls, educate her mind, check out the hot guys, and have some fun with it all is proving to be a challenge. I want so badly for her to do well, to feel confident and loved, to find her way with all of it. Kind of hard to get that message across when I want to wrap my hands around her little neck and squeeze most days.

Do I provoke this behavior in her? Probably yes. The mere fact that I am an adult and her Mother gives me two strikes before I even get up to bat. I also have the "power" to tell her no when she wants to do something and I strike out quite often. Learning how to not take this personal with her is the big challenge here. Different kids, different experiences, they tell me. I remember fighting with Sara, I don't remember taking everything so personal however.

I don't know how I am going to do this, being at a complete loss with how to handle her fits of anger at hearing the word no, her snarl when I ask her how her day was, and her grunting foot stomping when I ask her to help with something around the house. I feel completely alone in this and I don't like it. Her Dad is no help at all, he fell off the face of the earth about 4 years ago and only calls her 2 or 3 times a year. (he lives across town!)

I know that following through is key, that's what all the books say, Dr. Phil, all the "experts". What do they say for Mom, going it alone with a job that interferes with being there in the evening? Is it okay to call her dumb ass dad and yell at him and make him call her? Is it okay to say to her "NO I'm not okay!" when she is done throwing her fit and wonders why I am sitting there looking red eyed from crying? She has moved on to another plan of attack to try and get her way and I am still reeling from being told she hates me and screaming at the TOP of her lungs (enough to summon the police for fear she was being beaten if the neighbors were so inclined). Throw my menopause into the mix and it feels like an ooey gooey mess from hell.

I talk to my friends, I do things for myself, I pray to whatever power there is to help me through this. I wish sometimes I could call my Mom and talk to her about this, but the risk of her giving me advice is too great. I don't really want to hear what she has to say about parenting a teenager given our history. I want to call her dad and make him take her for a weekend, or a week or a month. Maybe then he would do something with her/for her. The surrogate dads she has in her life just aren't the same.

Can I just stay home? Crawl back under the blankets, sit at the sewing machine, bake cookies, take the dogs for a walk, anything but be a responsible adult, I'm tired! Send in the backup please, this sucks!

Life is great, but watch out for the rocks!

I got to spend some time with two of my daughters this week.
The tears abounded after I was able to process what exactly it was that was said, and how I felt about everything. In fact, I even hesitate to go through this again, the sadness I felt yesterday on the way home was pretty intense.

Tuesday found me in the car with my friend Michael to keep me company while we drove to drop off the rest of Sara's things to her and eat supper together. (catching up with him is always good) Leaving her again was tear-filled and I wanted to throw her in the car and bring her home with me. Knowing, of course, that the worst possible thing I could do would be to keep her from what she needs to do "out there" I got in my car and drove away. She has what she needs to have a good life. I am so grateful that she is a part of me, that the years we have had together weren't a total disaster! Missing her is a good thing, it means that I am capable of loving someone and feeling connected! The time seems so short looking back, and it probably was, but she is a good person, and I am grateful that we have a solid enough relationship to have a future as Mother and Daughter.

Which brings me to Kerri. She is another one of the sweetest beings on this planet. I so appreciate her honesty with me these last couple of years. The way she has welcomed me into her life and included me in the joy she has is phenomenal. She is so smart, so beautiful, and so determined, it's almost intimidating. She is truly a blessing to the people in her life. However, every time I think of her this last week I have this overwhelming sadness that I can't seem to shake. I know (logically)that putting her up for adoption when she was born was the best thing for both of us at the time. I have been over it and over it in my head and my heart for 26 years. Where I get stuck is: my intention for placing her for adoption rather than raising her was so that she could have a more solid family, a Mom AND Dad, maybe a sibling or two. Fate had other ideas for her, and that isn't exactly the way it turned out. My arrogance says: "How dare you, God! I loved that child and wanted things to be better, I trusted You to take care of that request and give her the life I specified, one without a lot of troubles and pain, one with parents!" If I humble myself and remember that nothing is really up to ME, if I look at the person she is today because of or in spite of the pain that she has had to go through, I know that her path is one that is good. Maybe she chose it that way before she ever got here, I don't know how all that works.

The bond we share is more than biological now. I can relate to her pain surrounding "Moms" and mothering. I've had to take that step away from grieving what I didn't get and take the step toward giving it to myself. That's what makes me so sad. That all my good intentions didn't make it all 'ok' for her, that she still had to go through hard stuff, and that she has to go through more. I wish my presence in her life was enough to take all that away, that I could wave a magic wand and fix any hurt that she carries around inside her.I feel that way with my other two daughters, so maybe that makes it official. I can't go back and give her what she didn't get, and I'm not sure how or if I can give her what she needs now because I'm not sure what that is. All I can do is love her and let her know that. She is a treasure.

The process continues... slowly, sometimes painfully, but one thing is for certain, it will continue whether I cooperate or not. Thankfully I am not drinking or this would most likely be disasterous.
My hope is that in between the every day hustle and bustle that we can continue to have those moments of honesty and emotion, that my kids feel safe enough to tell me what's in their hearts even if it is painful, and that they continue to grow into the beautiful people that they are. XO

These girls have given me new meaning to the phrase "pull your head out"...


A few things have changed in the last month and a half. My attitude is a little better, that has proven to be a slow process throughout my life! My "annoying friend" has new drama for herself and went away to stay at her Dad's, I gave up graveyard shift and went to 3-11's, the doctor says my kidneys are fine, I don't have a blood clot, my EKG looked good, chest x-rays look ok, this week I find out how the echocardiogram looked!
It all started with a swollen leg scare and advice from my friend to make sure I didn't have a blood clot which led me to urgent care, a sonogram on my veins and the subsequent Dr. visits to find out just why my leg looked like a water balloon.
I switched Dr.'s in this process and what a wonderful decision that was! She actually LISTENED to what was going on with me! I've not been to a lot of doctors over the years, but never has one SAT DOWN when they came in the room to talk to me and listen to what I had to say. Very nice.
She "vowed" we would find out what is causing this and try to fix it if she could. Tomorrow I go back and find out some more, maybe have her check my thyroid if she hasn't done that yet. We'll see. The greatest part is that she doesn't look at me like I am a nut-case hypochondriac like my last Dr. did! Water retention pills seem to keep the worst of the swelling down, so I think that will be the ticket I end up with when it is all said and done.

Summer is almost over!! I started this draft and 3 weeks flew by before I got back here to finish it. A few things have bouyed to the surface since then that I need to deal with.
Sara is moving off to college. Tomorrow we load the U-Haul and trek her across the state 5 hours to her new home and Shauna is starting High School in a couple of weeks.
Granted, Sara is not fresh out of HS and leaving, she is in her 3rd year of college and going off to finish up, but she's been here with me for the last 2 of those years. When she was 5 she vowed that she would never ever leave me. If you have daughters, you might know that most five year old girls are the sweetest beings on the planet, they love teddy bears and rainbows, giggle at the suggestion of having a boyfriend, refuse to wear anything but dresses, and are generally good natured. PMS hasn't set in yet, the terrible two's are over, and they are learning at the speed of light and loving it. I think that is when I ordered her to stop growing up, I wanted her to stay right there, forever. A lifetime of bicycles and jump ropes, ponytails, ribbons and tights with black patent leather shoes. What a life. We spent hours reading stories to each other, watching cartoons, she was even thrilled to help Mom clean the house! There was also the rushed mornings with me in a screaming panic getting ready for work, me being too tired to have her on my lap some days, leaving her with a sitter so I could go hang with my friends.

So...it's with hope and pride, sadness and regret, apprehension and relief that I make this journey with her. I'm glad she's not going by herself, she will be with another young woman her age, and I know she will be fine. She knows how to take care of herself, she knows how to be responsible, she knows how to make friends and be a friend. It's time for her to go. She needs to figure out what she wants to do, where she wants to be, who she wants to become. She has a great start, she's equipped with a good sense of right and wrong, a pretty good work ethic, and a great sense of humor. I will worry about her for awhile, but I will let go, I guess that is a "Mom" thing. No matter what, I will be proud of her for taking the risk, getting out there and doing what she needs to do.
Shauna's heading into the great halls of HS has me taking much of the same trip in my head. The little girl that was...will now be going to football games and dances, wanting to go on dates in cars with guys that want to touch parts if her that only her family has seen, and not since she wore a diaper! The things she does the next four years will have a big influence on her choices after HS. I didn't realize how true that was until recently, it does matter! Lord! I hope I can guide her and help her learn how to make good choices, or at least learn from the not so good ones!
She is a different person than her sister, and the ways I've dealt with them have been different, I hope I can do this with her!



I AM glad I got her a cell phone (ugh, I caved in). The thing is, she is close with Sara in a lot of ways, and I think they will stay in touch much better knowing they can talk and text for "free". I'm sure she will listen to her sister's warnings and advice before she would listen to mine. After all, I'm "OLD" and feeling it more every day. Not necessarily in a negative way, I'm just not a kid any more. I'm glad, otherwise I'm sure I couldn't keep up with all this.

Happy Graduation Nephew!
We spent the weekend driving to north central Iowa to wish my eldest nephew good luck on the next phase of his life.
I'm sure many people did that last weekend, and that my story isn't much different than many of theirs, I'm not really that unique.

Saturday: The plan was to leave my house at 9 a.m. to arrive at a decent hour in the afternoon so we could get as much visiting in as possible. (Mom lives in the area, as does Dad (in the summer), Grandma, youngest brother and family, as well as out of town Aunt staying with Grama for a few weeks. None of these people live in the same town, they are all about 10 miles from each other, so logistically we had to allow for travel time to each visit as well.) So, starting the day off on par, I woke up at 10:15. Not wanting to ruin the whole day just becaus of a little over sleeping, I blew it off and woke up the girls, let's just make the best of it, shall we? Throw some clothes in a bag, get them in the car and off we go. First stop, WalMart for something to eat along the way. As much as I know that the place is ruining the American economy, it's still better than burgers at a drive through, and cheaper to feed the three of us for the afternoon trip.
I hadn't heard anything from Mom, Dad, brother, etc. about what any of the plans were for the weekend, but they knew I was coming, so off we went.
My first challenge was when my 22 year old growled and reached into the glove box to change all the CD's in my CD changer. WTH? My car is the ONLY place that my music gets to be played. I like some of the music they bring to my world, but mine is mine, not theirs. I listen to theirs all the time at home, it invades every waking moment at our house. Deep breath, don't slap her, she may hit me back and then the fight would be on at 60mph going down the highway. Make a request that no rap music be inserted into my player and drive on. grrrrrr

Then came Humbolt, 13 year old has a friend there that she made at camp 2 years ago, begin whining begging fest to stop and visit. Ok, who cares, no one is expecting us at a certain hour in the homeland. So, 22 year old and I go for a walk down the metropolis' main drag to try and find a gift for my friend who has a birthday coming up. Cute little specialty shops line the street. All closed on a Saturday at 3 pm. Ok, go stalk the aisles at the Dollar General see what we can see there. Both daughters forgot to bring pajamas with them, so grab some boxer shorts and t-shirts (that I thought 22 year old would buy, HA) 50 dollars later we find our way back to the car and we are off again.

Call Mom, let her know we are on our way and will be taking her out for a belated Mother's Day dinner. Nice, that will be nice. Check into the hotel, go get Momma, head for Clear Lake and some good grub. Find a nice looking restaurant and land. We decided to eat out on the dock, but changed our minds very quickly after sitting there for a few minutes in the wind with the sun sinking into the horizon. Into the bar area we went, and after deciding on what fare we all would dine on, our order was placed. The spin-dip was fantastic, served with warm slices of fresh bread. My pasta alfredo noodles left a lot to be desired, and the add mushrooms I requested for my order (4 total were located in that huge plate!) were a bit scarce, but the chicken was tasty, and the waiter was pleasant and not bad looking. Shovel the leftovers into a box and send them home with Mother to feed her husband for a couple of lunches. 76 bucks later, back on the road again.
Here's where it gets trickey for me, though. Do I talk about the smell of cat box that hits you in the face from the basement when we walk in the front door at my mother's house? Do I tell you about her reading some rant about gratitude for mothers during our brief visit when we got to her home and the tears it caused my 22 year old? Should I touch on the fact that she spewed guilt trip on my girls and I for 25 minutes while we sat on her couch and I watched my kids squirm wanting to get out of there? Better yet, should I tell HER?! Yea, right. I love my Mom, but telling her things like that....well, would you tell YOUR mother?
Get the hell out, get back to the hotel, toss and turn on a very uncomfortable bed and hope for better things tomorrow.

Sunday morning brought us continental breakfast at the motel and a quick visit to Dad's house. He informed me that my brother had flown in from England to see his son graduate from High School. Pretty neat, huh? He flew all day on Saturday, then drove 3 or 4 hours to check into a seedy local motel on Saturday night so he could bang on Daddy's door at 8 a.m. Sunday morning. All this, to be told they had things to do, could he come back later? See, this particular brother didn't call ahead and let anyone know he was coming. We all suspected he might do it, of course, so he, being the obvious drunk in the family, had to live up to his reputation of trying to shock and surprise everyone and put them on the spot to put up with his antics. After all, he came all this way! Being a drunk myself, I understand this behavior, it's still not cool. Kind of nice that Dad has finally figured it out, don't reward the negative.

We opted to go visit my Grama who is going to be 95 in June, and my Aunt who is there with her from Colorado rather than sit through commencment ceremonies. Peachy ladies, lovin' each other and smiling through some pretty tough times. Grama has osteoperosis, and is bent pretty badly, but her smile!! She lights up the whole room when she smiles, and she laughs like there is nothing in the world wrong. The bonus gift of the perp-uncle being there when we arrived didn't even phase me, confronting him last year and letting him know it is now HIS secret what he did to me when I was little was probably the single most freeing thing I have ever done in my life. Watch him squirm, it's about friggin time.

We got to the graduation reception and made the rounds of people there, heartily congradulated my nephew on a job well done, told stories, laughed, had a whee short time. Brother Drunk was there, of course, looking for the surprise and delight on my face. I hugged him, held my breath so I wouldn't get a "contact high" from the reek of alcohol on his breath and moved on. The party was supposed to be about my nephew, not my brother, so that's where I kept my head. It was good to see him alive, dealing with the mess in his mind the best way he knows how, I suppose. I have a hard time feeling sorry for him, I grew up there too, and I don't get the option to show up drunk anymore.

After our fill of cake, I huged as many people as I could find before getting in the car and heading home. I waved to my brother as he headed to his vehicle for his bottle of whatever kind of liquid normal he carries with him these days. Tired, sad, wishing things were different, I was still glad we made the trip. My family may be totally screwed up, but they're mine to love, and hate, and deal with. I'm sure my kids wonder why Mom gets so wierd when these things come up, and I try to explain it to them as best I can. It's just such a long sordid story, and in some twisted way, I suppose I'm trying to teach them about doing the right thing by putting some of my issues aside when there are good things happening that we need to suit up and show up for.

Kids only graduate from High School once, and they notice who isn't there even if we don't think so. Grama isn't going to last forever, bless her sweet heart, and locking myself in the car for nearly 4 hours with my kids isn't the worst punishment in the world. (though they may not think that!)
Next week, maybe I'll get some more of that therapy that I've mentioned. A mental tune up never hurt anyone.